Diary From a Father's Aching Heart
by DreamingIn2Eternity
Summary: Thranduil's thoughts after his wife's passing to Valinor. /Some changes made to earlier entries, readers might want to reread ch 1 at the very least! :  /
1. Chapter 1

**Don't Own Legolas or Thranduil or any of the LOTR's places. **

**Rating T**

My heart aches to know he will be left so long without a mother. My youngest son-so bright and cheerful, my little Greenleaf-still healing from the loss of the other three, he will wait centuries to see her again. I can't imagine what this is doing to his heart, to have known her for such a short while, but enough to become so attached. And alas! My youngest daughter! She will never truly know her mother, she will only remember brief moments with her. Curse Fate! They are but children! Whom am I to question the Vala? Oh! I know it is not my place! But for my children I'm willing to step out of line! I am so glad the elder two knew her-and that they are now nearly grown. They will be good to their two younger siblings, and will find peace easier-or so I hope. They have grown and aided in the defense of our changing Greenwood, they understand loss, loss of someone so close-after all, they have handled _their_ terrible deaths far better then their mother and I could have ever expected.

Alas! Alas! What is a father to do? I have a kingdom to run, but oh, how I wish to be by my children's sides! Let me go to them, let me remain with them until they find inner peace again! It would not only do their hearts good, but my own as well. Please my beautiful wife, forgive me in advanced for whatever mistakes I make with our precious children. I will do my best, but without you, I am at loss. Loss for so much. Please my wife, stay with us in spirit, I fear what lies ahead! I fear what will become of this house, this kingdom- our four youngest children, now that you are gone. Please my wife keep us in your prayers, we await the day when we can see you again. In Valinor, our family will find peace, we will find _them,_ and we will be together again.


	2. Chapter 2

Another day passes, and still I await some sort of emotion from my four children. Even my little Celebellote, all but a mere 50 human years of age, is still deadened from the loss of her mother. Winter approaches, and there is so much left to be done before she arrives. Stores must be stocked, agreements with the men of Dale must be finalized, inventory taken-all but a small portion of my list of things to do. Praise the Valar for the foresight of my the two elder children-they have maintained their responsibilities to the kingdom. And my little Legolas-he tries so hard to distract Celebollote from her grief. A month. One month to this date. One month since Alquauial's departure…

It is not enough. My duties to the kingdom, to my children-they are not enough. It is the same as when _they_ died. However then, that horrible night, I had my wife by my side and we healed from those terrible wounds. Not this time though-this time I must learn to live with the loss of another I love, without my best friend at my side.

Eru! I feel her absence everywhere. Not just in the empty space, where she would lay in our bed at night, nor her empty seat at the throne and dinner table. No, I still see her in her garden, hear her laugh and speak to the wildlife, only to blink and realizes that she was not there. I see her playing with our children, taking them out to horseback ride, and on a picnic, beneath the beauty of our Great Greenwood…

I miss my wife, my lover, my children's mother…

I miss my best friend...


	3. Chapter 3

Rumor spreads around my court, rumor that judges my sanity. They say I have lost myself. That I am no longer fit to reign as their King. Perhaps it is from my dependence on my two eldest, were it not for my Calenbrethil and Laurërie-this kingdom would have fallen to ruins in these past three months. Perhaps it is because the men of Dale are displeased with the trade agreements we finally settled on. I am not pleased either, but I can trade no more than that which I have-I need the rest for my people, my kingdom.

I have also heard that the court is displeased with some of my personal decisions of late. "He should not enter their garden" they say, "He should not indulge his longing for her so". What does it mean to them? I need someway to console my grief-this is how I chose to do so. Aye! Only my closest friends have a right to comment in such a way! The others know nothing of what she was to me! To them, she was a queen, my wife, a mother, and my best friend-all these they can understand, they could see. So why do they question my actions? These parts of her alone should allow them to understand my actions-these relationships they understand. Oh but she was so much more! All of the trials we went through together. All of life's lessons-those so recent tragedies in the past hundred years… I do not even know how to describe what she was to me. She was so much more than what everyone saw her as. My beautiful Alquauial, so gentle, so patient, so loving. How I wish to know of her. She should have arrived on the White Shores last week. Perhaps I will write to her. I have thought of doing so before. Despite the chances that a letter would never find her-I must try. If only to sooth some of my longing for her. Yes, I will write to her. Like I did when we were young. I will send her a letter in a bottle-pray the Valar allow it to find her. Yes, I travel to the coast next week-a meeting with an associate on the Western shores of this Earth. I will send it then. Perhaps for the first time in three months I can rest peacefully.


	4. Chapter 4

Three days until I am to depart for my meeting on the Western Shore. Three days until all of my work must be done. My son, Calenbrethil, has asked me to postpone the meeting. He came to me as the Crown Prince, requesting his King to remain and assist him with the days work-he doesn't think he can handle it on his own. The Crown Prince tells me of his worries concerning the Kingdom-the upset and dissatisfaction from the court, the not quiet adequate preparations for the winter, the new developments on the suspected activity in Dol Guldur. All of these things are worrisome, to myself as well. Though, I know that the Crown Prince can handle them in my absence. I spoke of this to him-of my faith in him, and of who he may turn to for assistance, should the burden become to great in my absence.

Yet my son comes to me again. Just before I began writing this. We spoke together well beyond the setting of the sun-only this time, he came to me as my son, not the Crown Prince of my Kingdom.

My son tells me, he fears for my health and safety-he is worried for his siblings conditions in my absence. My son tells me he has seen a change in me. He tells me that even Legolas, despite his youth, has seen a change in me and questioned Laurërie and himself on my current state.

He tells me that I am needed here. That he needs me here. Indeed it has been a long time since I have heard those words uttered from my Calenbrethil.

I petitioned him not to fear for me-If nothing else, I will return somewhat renewed- and I apologized for needing to leave when the four of them need me so greatly, and promised to return if it is in my power to do so.

Calenbrethil mentioned the sea longing, and I tell him that I will only visit the ocean, I will not sail-not yet. I cannot. I know I am still needed here.

I told him that no matter how strong the sea longing may become, I will deny it to return here to Greenwood, to my children.

He he also asked me how I expect to be soothed by visiting the sea-he mentions that most elves find themselves seeking the peace of White Shores should they encounter the ocean-some even awaken the longing after hearing a call from a sea bird. Again I told him not to worry. I will return.

I asked him if he has spoken to his sister on the matter. It appears that Laurërie feels the same as he-and to hopefully ease her heart, he promises to tell her of our conversation.

We were silent for a while, simply basking in the peace of the evening. After a moment of looking into the fire that burns brightly in the hearth, he told me of Legolas's wish for me to remain, for me to be close to him. Quoting my little Greenleaf's words to him, "I don't want to lose Ada, we already lost Nana-not Ada too", he whispers confessing Legolas was in tears when he confessed this. This shocks me entirely. Legolas is a young teenager by human reckoning, and I do not believe I have seen him shed a tear about anything since _their_ deaths. I promised Calenbrethil that I would talk to Legolas tonight, or tomorrow morning-I can see he is as surprised by this uncharacteristic display of emotion as I am. I will see to it that the four of them speak to me on this matter again before I leave.

Before he left, Calenbrethil told me he could accept my responses, but only if I truly am going to return. When I asked him why his faith in me falters. He claimed that it falters not in myself, but in the situations surrounding my departure. I told him to have faith in his father and his words-I know that I must return.

He left soon after, a silence between us-thoughtful on our exchange.

After Calenbrethil had left, I went to see my little Greenleaf. I silently opened his door to find my little leaf resting silently, his face streaked with his earlier tears. I placed a kiss on his brow, and whispered my promise to return. Even though I know it fell on deaf ears, and that I would be repeating myself a hundred times more before I left. I was gifted with a small smile gracing his young face-how I wish to know if its cause was my presence near him, my words, or a comforting dream. Perhaps then I would know a way to sooth his aching heart. I will have to remember to ask him when we speak in the morning.


	5. Chapter 5

The road to the western shore has been long indeed, and my concern for my children and kingdom certainly did not make the day move any faster. I sit here now, on the beautiful western shore, looking westward at the sun-towards my beloved. I must admit I am surprised. I have not felt the sea-longing yet, and I have been here for a nearly day already. I wrote earlier, the letter I will send this evening. The sealed bottle rests in the sand, shining in the late day sun. I cannot even think on the probability of this finding her, I cannot lose hope and faith for the future. I must send the bottle on its way, the sun is beginning to set, and I must return to the cottage in which I am residing. Finding sleep has been simpler the past few weeks, knowing that this message will be sent. Perhaps I will truly sleep well now that this is done.


	6. Chapter 6

I plan to begin my journey home tomorrow morning, nearly all of my things have been packed-I cannot wait for a return letter. The associate whom rented this cottage to me told me that the terrible seasonal rains would be coming soon, and should they hit while I and my guard reside in the cottage, we would be stuck inside for a minimum stay of one week. I certainly hope that we will out travel these storms, it certainly sounds like the last thing any of us need and want to deal with right now. Unfortunately, I can already smell the rain in the air, though it is still quite far out at sea, perhaps the Valar will grace my group with good weather for tomorrow.

My eyes, and heart are truly exhausted. I must rest before I begin my travels tomorrow morning. I will continue to pray for good weather and safe travels.


	7. Chapter 7

Ironic is it not? Ironic in that the very thing you fear or wish to avoid most always comes to exist? These blasted rains began in the middle of the night, though how they found the shore so quickly will always remain a mystery to me, there was after all, hardly any wind these past days. Not one of us, myself or my guard sensed a change in the weather. It is as if the storms appeared by magic, with the worst yet to come.

It is for this very reason my company and I will begin our journey home once the sun rises, as even for elven eyes, the shadow from the clouds is to great to travel through in the evening. As I think on it, I am far more grateful now for my kingdom being the meeting center for many winds. Though the storms they bring bend the oldest and strongest of trees, I am grateful now that my kin and I have learned to work amongst them. The current weather is very similar to the storms back home, so hopefully we will outpace the storm with it's ever changing course. I know not when I will write again, only the Vala know when the company will arrive home. I pray that the kingdom can last through my extended travels, I pray that my elder son and daughter have not lost themselves due to their current responsibilities. May the Vala be watching us all…Eru knows we need it greatly.


	8. Chapter 8

Alas! The journey has been far to long! There is still a two week journey until I see my kingdom's boarders. After a week of traveling in the torrential rain, my guard and I finally reached Imladris, a journey which should have only taken three days at most. There we waited out the storm and set off to the high pass the first morning the sky cleared. The cold season is moving swiftly upon us, I know not how prepared my kingdom is for it's arrival. I rejoice and fear what awaits me. The council was greatly displeased by my leave, and I know that my children worried of my safe return as well. I pray that all is well, if with nothing else, then with my children-they deserve so much more then what I could ever give them. Mayhap it is time for the evening meal. Perhaps I will be able to write again after I have reached my kingdom.


	9. Chapter 9

My advisors my have questioned my sanity for some time, but I tell you, I now sincerely question their's! I had not expected to return to find my kingdom in such distress. My son and daughter indeed fulfilled their respective duties-interestingly enough, they in fact are the source of distress.

It appears that my court has a true distaste for my two replacements. I was told by some friends and unquestionable loyal subjects that they are the epitome of their parents teachings, though they are far more aggressive in their paths to see the tasks completed.

Calenbrethil has done well in his leadership, he has earned a great respect from all apart of his daily responsibilities. I was told that he used cold logic as effectively as I do, easily ridding the council of any of their strange hair-brained notions that surface about once a month.

Laurërie has also made a lasting impression as well. Laurërie has my beautiful wife's persistence, and unfortunately, my temper. Apparently she was a handful while partaking in the council meetings. Alas, the time grows short, and I must rest. Tomorrow will be my first day returning to my normal schedule, and I am not looking forward to meeting a very irate council tomorrow morning.


End file.
